Wednesday, February 13, 2013

House Of Mourning

This morning I paid a shiva call. That's how we say it for some reason. In Jewish families, when someone dies the funeral is held as soon as possible - same day if it can be arranged. There is dignity in this. The Muslims do it too. I will always remember how Dodi Al-Fayed was laid to rest while Princess Diana's body was shlepped up and down the country from place to place while a million people came out to watch and even (why oh why?) to look at the body.

Then the spouse, children and siblings (and parents if necessary - God forbid) sit at home for seven days on low chairs while anyone who knows them or the deceased pays a condolence visit. This is called shiva which means seven and also sitting.

Apparently it's an exhausting week but it serves many purposes and is a comforting process. Obviously there is the spiritual side of honouring and remembering the deceased, reciting special prayers, lighting a candle, making a symbolic rip in your clothing and wearing that item all week, and eating certain foods on returning from the funeral.

There is also the worldly side. For a week the family stays together and are surrounded by friends. There is much talking about the loved one, the family, the past, the recent past, how you feel, anything else, everything else. Talking is good. And the whole thing is so exhausting, apparently, that you don't have too much time to dwell and get too depressed. Before you know it a week has gone by that possibly could have been the hardest week to bear.

Every shiva is different. The best case scenario is a bunch of middle aged siblings celebrating their parent's long and happy life. Other shivas are  more sombre. And some are downright tragic. A friend who had to sit shiva for her father with a mother she didn't get on with, in her mother's home a continent away from any other family and friends remarked wryly, "You don't always get the shiva you wanted."

Sometimes the family imposes visiting times to give themselves a rest and space to eat. Sometimes people come late and overstay their welcome too far into the night. When my father was sitting for my 89yo grandfather, one of the great-aunts started looking purposefully at her watch as the clock struck 10. It had been a very long day, she was in her 80s herself, and she'd had enough. When that didn't deter the few die-hard talkers, she went and got her coat and hat, put them on and returned to her chair. That did it, within a minute the room was miraculously cleared.
"I'll drive you home Aunty," said my cousin.
"Not yet," she replied removing her coat, "Let's have a cup of tea first."

I meant to write about today's shiva but I don't want to add it on to the end of a post that has already rambled on for too long. I'll write about it tomorrow. I have things to say.

12 comments:

  1. Last week my ex's mother died and they were sitting shiva.Even though we are no longer a couple ,I have remained in close contact with my sisters in law and father in law ,as he will always be to me .
    The shiva was sad obviously but mixed with a lot of memories and much poring over photo albums.The family is huge (typical Morocan!)and it was actually nice to see everyone .The feeling was that mum in law would have liked the get together and having all the family in the garden and all over the house .
    My children miss their grandmother but they knew her well and have many stories of their own to tell and she will never be forgotten.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best sort of shiva is one that the deceased would have enjoyed him or herself. I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you had a good shiva. Thanks for sharing. xxx

      Delete
  2. Today was the shloshim (gravestone setting, in Israel timed to mark the end of the 30 day morning period)for our dear friend, who died young leaving a widow and two young children. It is very much part of the mourning process to go back to the grave, speak again of the person but now in a less anguished way, for family and friends to get together and share memories, now being more able to share the happy and funny memories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right Gillian, the shloshim is also important. I have to say that I think Jews do death rather well considering the circumstances.

      Delete
  3. So Sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us, it is so interesting to learn about. Hope you are OK. Emma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Emma - this was a shiva call to friends. I'll write about it tomorrow but I wanted to give the background first.

      Delete
  4. I'm pleased to see you put 'apperently' so you haven't needed to sit yourself. Unfortunately I've sat three times now and I totally agree we do mourning well, it feels like a healing goodbye shared with family and friends and so soon after death it's dignified. In England we have the stone setting a year after so I learnt something new above about the 30 days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes you are right, my 'apparenty' is because I not yet needed to sit myself. I'm sorry you've had to sit three times which suggests that someone passed before their time. They have the 30 days in England too but it's not marked in the same way. Here we also set the stone after 30 days but in England the stone always took much longer to deliver. I understand that to be the reason for having the stone-setting after the longer year of mourning period. It serves the same purpose I think.

      Delete
    2. Very sadly my big sister lost her battle with cancer last August, so yet to have her stone setting. We were told that it took a year for the often soggy English soil to settle enough to hold the stone.

      Delete
    3. I'm so sorry. Interesting about the soil problem regarding the stone. I am always fascinated by the fact that so much religious custom (ours and others) is dictated by practicalities.

      Delete
  5. Sorry for your loss but also thank you for describing the ritual in a lovely way - a really down to earth and thought full grieving process. X.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you - on this occasion it was not my loss specifically as I was visiting friends who were sitting shiva. This was to give some background for the next post. You are right though - shiva is a good custom.

      Delete